Yesterday, it happened to me. I was placed in a situation that is all new to me. I felt so defeated and suddenly all bad memories and regrets of my dreaded December accident flashed back. Just like that and it hit me like a storm.
I am not strong. I am weak and full of insecurities. I felt jaded and so disoriented.
I had panic attack. I don't know the right medical term to call what I went through yesterday. But it was grueling, tiresome and I had no control while I was under its spell. It was triggered when I saw a photo of an accident where a collegiate player abroad broke his leg. Yes. That very strong bone-broke like a branch of a tree.
I don't know what really hit me, was it really just picture and the agonizing idea of what happened to him or it is just a precursor of what really lies in me subconsciously. That all this time I am just at the eye of the storm, anytime ready to blow away? I would rather take the first than the latter. But then again, maybe I am wrong- I am really not strong and I have not get over the fact that the accident was all my fault. There are a lot of 'what ifs and if only' that is going through my mind now.
First step, I have to forgive myself.
What's done is done. Move on. Get over it.
What happened is the result of my action- I have to learn from it and be a better person now. I can't turn back the time all I can do now is to move on and repair what has been broken- physically and emotionally. I have to be strong. I need to be strong for myself. This can't bring me down. You can do this Ailynette.
There are a lot of people who believe in me my family and friends. I need to be strong and I need to work on this phase of my life. It shouldn't be that every time I remember or I'll see anything close to it I will just break down. I have to get hold of my emotions and work on my EQ.
But how?
Some things are easier said than done.
A lot of people will tell me their "expertise" on the subject but they don't know anything of what I'm going through right now. And it can't go on like this. I need to cope to it.
Should I seek medical advice? Or maybe I just need a vacation?
I will go for a vacation. Maybe what I need is a happy experience to suppress the bad ones.
God,
Please be my guide. Be my doctor. Send me peace and serenity. Heal me Lord, physically, emotionally and mentally. I am not strong. Be the rock under my feet so no one and nothing can shake me. I pray this with all humility and scared heart right now. I really want to have peace of mind- no more fears and tears. Heal Me Lord. Amen.
