Think of Happy Thoughts to Make You Fly

Today there is no "trauma attack!"

I survived my whole day shift with every passing hour thanking God for a successful feat against myself and the demons of yesterday. I thought I'm not going to make it but He is so powerful to give me my peace and courage to keep on going. My prayers is to continue my healing physically, emotionally and mentally and soon be new as if I did not encounter anything like this.

Last week, was one of my longest week. I'm on the lookout to end the day and go to a deep slumber where I find peace and tranquility. During the weekend I was able to recharge my tired spirit and worn out self. We went to the church and I felt spiritually healed. For in every step of the way God is with me. I'm thinking now, whenever I feel the pit, "what would Jesus THINK" given this situation? And from that question I am able to derive what to feel and what to act. Also, I'm able to unwind and watch a movie to relax, walked by the bay and had a good feeling that everything will be alright.

My progress is slow but I'm taking my time. I know soon this will be over.

I am thankful to J for standing beside me in this crises, to my family especially to my sister Ven and Auntie Bing for encouraging me, to my friends at work for always helping me when things go low.

And today, I prayed to the Lord to give me a strong heart and feed me with only happy thoughts. Over the weekend I was able to fill my happy thoughts bucket that I had so much to grab whenever I need one today. Still, prayer is my strongest weapon and a quote from Napoleon Hill.

I wrote them at the back of an invite and have it placed in front of me as constant reminder that nothing and no one is greater than my God.

And as my reward... I had doughnuts!

God is good. All the time!

Let God take care of the rest...

Life lessons do come our way in sometimes most inconvenient way. We thought we are capable of handling until it struck us right in the middle where you are not in control of anything. Even the slight tremble of your fingers or the conscious effort to focus your thoughts on good things are totally out of control. You are helpless and all you can do is Trust and Pray that soon everything will be okey.

Yesterday, it happened to me. I was placed in a situation that is all new to me. I felt so defeated and suddenly all bad memories and regrets of my dreaded December accident flashed back. Just like that and it hit me like a storm. 

I am not strong. I am weak and full of insecurities. I felt jaded and so disoriented.

I had panic attack. I don't know the right medical term to call what I went through yesterday. But it was grueling, tiresome and I had no control while I was under its spell. It was triggered when I saw a photo of an accident where a collegiate player abroad broke his leg. Yes. That very strong bone-broke like a branch of a tree. 

I don't know what really hit me, was it really just picture and the agonizing idea of what happened to him or it is just a precursor of what really lies in me subconsciously. That all this time I am just at the eye of the storm, anytime ready to blow away? I would rather take the first than the latter. But then again, maybe I am wrong- I am really not strong and I have not get over the fact that the accident was all my fault. There are a lot of 'what ifs and if only' that is going through my mind now.

First step, I have to forgive myself. 

What's done is done. Move on. Get over it. 

What happened is the result of my action- I have to learn from it and be a better person now. I can't turn back the time all I can do now is to move on and repair what has been broken- physically and emotionally. I have to be strong. I need to be strong for myself. This can't bring me down. You can do this Ailynette.

There are a lot of people who believe in me my family and friends. I need to be strong and I need to work on this phase of my life. It shouldn't be that every time I remember or I'll see anything close to it I will just break down. I have to get hold of my emotions and work on my EQ.

But how?

Some things are easier said than done.

A lot of people will tell me their "expertise" on the subject but they don't know anything of what I'm going through right now. And it can't go on like this. I need to cope to it.

Should I seek medical advice? Or maybe I just need a vacation? 

I will go for a vacation. Maybe what I need is a happy experience to suppress the bad ones.

God, 

Please be my guide. Be my doctor. Send me peace and serenity. Heal me Lord, physically, emotionally and mentally. I am not strong. Be the rock under my feet so no one and nothing can shake me. I pray this with all humility and scared heart right now. I really want to have peace of mind- no more fears and tears. Heal Me Lord. Amen.